Motherhood

noah

Dear loves,

One week ago, on a rare night when a penumbral lunar eclipse, a “snow moon” and a comet filled the sky, our son, Noah Michael Kopp, made his grand entrance into this world.

Today, as I was texting my sisters in recovery one of my favorite pictures of Noah, with his hands folded across his tummy, one friend remarked: “Wow! Look at those hands! Piano? Guitar?”

I texted back that Noah loves his hands. He won’t sleep with them in a swaddle, always keeps them up by his rosy cheeks or beneath his chin, as though he is in deep thought.

“He IS in deep thought!” my friend said. “He knows everything that we have forgotten.”

How profoundly true. Noah knows:

  1. How to ask for his needs, without guilt or hesitation.
  2. It’s okay to scream and cry as often as needed. No masks or fake smiles or roles to play here. No divide between how Noah feels in the moment and how he acts. Every movement and expression is fiercely authentic and true.
  3. Connection and intimacy is the reason we are here. To hold each other, to press our hearts together, to be close enough so that sound of another’s breath becomes deeply familiar.
  4. Diets and revenge bodies, molding our appearance into some unattainable standard, depriving ourselves in any form…how  forceful we are with our sacred shapes. That’s all our bodies are, visible shapes around our invisible souls.  It’s time to let go now, to listen to the natural cues of our bodies, and to eat well. Time to nourish. All day and night, every day and night.
  5. Sometimes what we need is not more of anything, it is just to pay closer attention. To look deeply into someone’s eyes. To take a breath. To feel how very soft our own skin is.
  6. “Thick” skin is not what we are after. Feeling everything, letting our emotional lives lead us into empathy and compassion…that’s what real courage and toughness is.
  7. We are not waiting for anything to happen to make us matter. We matter far beyond what our hearts and minds can comprehend. Simply because we were born.
  8. Dogs are strange and mysterious creatures. particularly the fluffy one named Bella.
  9. Don’t keep your feelings inside…give them room in your own heart, and then in this great big world. Scream out the frustration. Cry the tears that want to be cried. Smile for no reason at all. Let your feelings ebb and flow like water.

I predict my wise little one will be waking in a minute or so. I have some far-reaching goals for today …such as getting sleep and avoiding pee spray while changing his diaper.  But one thing I know I can do is pay close attention to all that Noah knows, and to love him with all that I am.

Keep healing,

Shannon

noah hospital

shannon-about-3

Animal Welfare Advocate. Pit Bull Smoocher. Eating Disorder Survivor. Author of Pound for Pound.